FUNERAL CEREMONY
to celebrate the life of
Ruth Margaret Wilman
July 9th 1955 – September 6th 2021
 
 
 
Entry Music: Strong – London Grammar
 
Welcome
 
Good afternoon. Welcome to this occasion when we celebrate the life of Ruth Margaret Wilman. A life lived between 1955 and 2021. A life shortened by cancer, but a life that was full; full of love, family and friendships. A life marked by a strong commitment to diversity and inclusiveness. A life that truly made a difference.
 
Our ceremony is intended to be a supportive time, to acknowledge Ruth’s death – but also to celebrate her life. I hope it may help each of you to say your own farewell and perhaps find some ease from the welter of confused feelings a death usually brings. 
 
My condolences go out to you all at this very difficult time, whether you’re here in the crematorium or watching via the webcast, but especially to Ruth’s husband, Mark, her daughter, Rachael, two sons, Alex and George, and her brother, Paul. Ruth was a much loved daughter, wife, mother, nana, sister, colleague, neighbour and friend.
 
Thank you all for coming today. It matters that you are here as your presence gives significance to the occasion and it is a tribute to Ruth in itself. Through your loss each of you shares a bond with everyone else here and I hope you are feeling supported by being together as you unite in grief. Your grief is the price you pay for knowing Ruth, loving her and sharing her life. 
 
Our ceremony is what Ruth asked for, in the Humanist tradition. The music was chosen by the family, there will be a précis of Ruth’s life story, poems and a time for quiet reflection when you can think of her in your own way. 
 
On behalf of Ruth’s family thank you for all the cards, messages and phone calls with many truly kind comments. They have appreciated them. It has been a great comfort to read other people's memories, and to know that so many thought so highly of her.
 
After our ceremony you are invited to the Parochial Hall in Kenilworth to continue celebrating Ruth’s life and sharing your memories of her over a bite to eat and a drink. And you might like to make a donation to one of three charities that were close to Ruth’s heart, details are on your order of ceremony and over £5.000 has been raised already.
 
Thoughts on Life and Death
 
Although we are all aware that one day our lives will end, when it happens to someone we are close to, someone who has been an important person in our lives, it can come as a huge shock. Be gentle with yourselves and with each other as you try to absorb that shock, support each other with understanding and love, and share the happy times you had with Ruth, acknowledge the contribution she made and the effect she had on the people around her. 
 
I would like to ask Maxine McCabe to read ‘Renewal’ written by Ruth.
 
Poem
 
Renewal 
 
A deep breath of memories inhaled
In a place of peace and tranquility
A time of mindful reflection
Senses heightened in the still of the cemetery
Nature and human life entwined in the verdant undergrowth
Remembering those who loved me and were loved
Leaving buoyant on a wave of emotion
Refreshed
Ruth Wilman
 
Précis of Ruth’s Life Story
 
I never had the privilege of meeting Ruth but I got to knowa little about her when I met Mark, Rachael, Alex, George and Paul a couple of weeks ago. They talked of Ruth with love, pride, laughter and of course with deep sadness at her passing. 
 
Ruth’s parents, Derek and Gwen Wilman moved to India in 1951 with their one-year-old son Paul. They came back to the UK in April 1955, after Gwen became pregnant with Ruth, and lived for a few months with Gwen’s parents, Ruth’s Nain & Taid.
 
Ruth was born on 9 July 1955in Liverpool. She was always somewhat aggrieved that she had missed out on living in India, but she always claimed that she was ‘made in India’.
 
Ruth’s father worked for Raleigh Bicycles. When Ruth asked what he did there, Derek used to say that he put the handlebars on bikes (not true of course) but Ruth used to pass this on to anyone who asked.
 
Ruth followed her brother to Middleton Primary School just around the corner from where they lived in Eton Grove. She had many friends, but found a lifelong friend in Rose.
Rose recalls that she and Ruth were ‘virtually inseparable in our younger days’, roaming around Wollaton Park and having tea together twice a week. 
 
Ruth was a very bright girl and she was put forward to take the entrance exams for Nottingham Girls High School, a fee paying school which offered just a few free places to the brightest pupils in the city. Ruth was awarded one of those few places.
 
She then studied at York University from 1973 to 1976 and obtained a degree in social sciences. During this period she met and married, Ben Makins, in 1975, aged 20, and made lifelong friends including Sue, Richard, Chris, Roger and Katy. 
 
Ruth’s strong feminism and activism started in York she became involved in various progressive causes. Friend Sue remembers Ruth being involved in setting up a ‘free stall’ in York Market, where people were invited to donate items and clothes for others to benefit from, and in starting a community newspaper, York Free Press, back in the days when all the copy had to be typed out on an actual typewriter. Ruth was once arrested while peacefully protesting against the National Front. An incident she, and later her children, looked back on proudly!
 
Ruth stayed in York to train as a teacher, focusing on the education of children with special needs. Here she met two other kindred spirits Regan and Gill who have also remained life-long friends. Gill remembers Ruth’s generous hospitality: as an established York resident, Ruth invited York newbie Gill round to her house in Emerson Street and Gill and Regan quickly became part of Ruth’s social circle. 
 
Ruth’s first job was as a special needs teacher at a school in Knaresborough. After separating from Ben in 1980, she moved to London to work and lived with Gill and Regan in Stoke Newington. During her early London years, Ruth was in charge of the School Support Unit (AKA the ‘sin bin’) at a secondary school in Enfield where she successfully engaged with a wide range of pupils who could not be accommodated in the usual classroom setting. From this time, Ruth proudly remembered how she managed to encourage white skinheads to teach English to new Bangladeshi immigrants.
 
Later, she thoroughly enjoyed her role as Enfield co-ordinator of the newly introduced Technical and Vocational Education Initiative, rolling out one of the earliest ranges of personal computers to be used for educational purposes in schools. Ruth also enjoyed throwing herself into the alternative London scene of the early 1980s and dancing the night away in London’s pubs and clubs.
 
In 1985, with matching mullets, Ruth married Mark. Ruth wore a now legendary red leather tie and red brogues combo. They had known each other at York University through a mutual friend but started dating after Ruth moved to London. After something of an on-off relationship, they established a lasting partnership in 1984 when Mark sent her a speculative postcard from Israel where he was on holiday and Ruth responded positively. Mark moved into Ruth’s Walthamstow cottage before they bought a house together round the corner and their daughter Rachael was born. Ruth and Mark’s love for one another remained strong throughout their marriage andinto their retirement where they enjoyed a once-in-a-lifetime trip to South America. A highlight of this trip was visiting one of Ruth’s best friends Sharne, in Chile. They also enjoyed trips to Canada and Russia before Ruth’s illness curtailed their retirement travel plans.
 
In 1988 the family moved to Bradford, where Alex was born. Ruth’s sister-in-law Mary recalls the moment; I remember us getting an urgent call up to Bradford when Alex was due to be born. Ruth’s parents were out shopping, so Ruth and Mark called us. We went full speed, and arrived in time… Just! As we went in through the door Ruth was bending over a chair rubbing her back. And Mark said ‘Can I get you a cup of tea?’ To which Ruth calmly said ‘No! No Mark - get me to the hospital.’ Alex was born minutes after they arrived at the hospital. 
 
In 1991 the family spent seven months living in Brussels, a time which Ruth loved, and where George was born, before the family settled in Kenilworth for good. Their house on Glebe Crescent, next door to the McCabes who remain very close, was a warm and special place for the family to grow. Ruth and Maxine became close and lasting friends. Due to Ruth’s warmth and hospitality, the house was always full of visitors: local friends popping in for tea, drunk teenagers in need of a bed for the night, or friends and family from further afield.
 
During the 1990s Ruth became a Labour Party-nominated member of the board of governors of St John’s primary school in Kenilworth, later chairing the body with tact and skill through some turbulent times. But this wasn't the only important role Ruth took on during this time. She became Chief Taxi Driver, whether it be for football or rugby matches; lessons in dancing, karate, guitar or saxophone; or countless rehearsals and shows at Playbox theatre. Ruth was an infinitely supportive mother who was always there for her kids. Rachael fondly remembers her annual birthday trips to London to see a musical and eat in China Town (a tradition which continued into her adult years, only this time with prosecco!)
 
All three children remember their childhoods fondly, whether thinking of home or one of the special places where the family spent time together on holiday. One place that was close to Ruth’s heart was Cornwall, which theyvisited almost every year while the children were growing up, and many times since. Setting off at 5am, squeezed into the Ford Galaxy amongst a pile of wetsuits and body boards, the Wilmans knew they were in for a good time - and they were never disappointed. The last family holiday to the beautiful Constantine Bay (where Ruth’s ashes will be scattered) took place in April 2019. The family shared their special place with Oli, Lena, Roisin and Leo for the first time.
 
Ruth had a close relationship with her parents and the family often visited them at their home in Nottingham, watching Nottingham Forest if there was a home game. Over the years, the kids, especially Alex and George, have sat through many wet and miserable nights at the City Ground watching their beloved Forest lose again. Win, lose or draw, it was always worth it to spend some special time with their mum.
 
In their retirement, Ruth’s parents had bought a holiday home in Florida, on the same estate as Gwen’s sister, May, where they spent many months each year. This meant many special holidays in Florida for Ruth and the family. After Gwen passed away, Derek moved to Kenilworth, where Ruth did a wonderful job of caring for him in his remaining years.
 
Ruth had also developed a great relationship with Mark’s parents, Molly and Joe, who loved Ruth like a daughter. They too, were a fixture of Wilman family life, with many happy memories made at ‘The Manor House’.
 
Ruth was always very close to her brother Paul, and a loving aunt to his children, David and Anna. David and Anna would say that Ruth was so much more than an Auntie to them - she was a friend who they could turn to for anything. Ruth was so proud to see them grow to become the wonderful parents they are now to Alva, Tom, Zebi and Ella.
 
After focusing principally on raising the children during their early years, Ruth decided to return to the teaching profession and in 1983-4 trained to become a teacher of the deaf.
 
She spent a few years working at Whitley Abbey Secondary School in a unit for profoundly deaf pupils before taking up the post of teacher of the deaf at the sensory team specialist inclusion service in Solihull (SISS) where she worked for 18 years until her retirement in 2015. Ruth loved her work, specializing in helping Early Years children with hearing impairment and often other serious health conditions. She worked with families from diagnosis through to the child’s transition to school, engaging with other agencies to provide the family with support. 
 
Her colleagues held Ruth in the highest esteem. One commented: ‘she was one of the rare teachers who combined excellent professional capability with a real depth of warmth and compassion towards the very vulnerable children and families she supported. She really made such a difference to so many lives’. 
 
Ruth was hugely valued by the many families she advised and supported and she remained in long-term contact with many of them. Ruth felt her role really made a difference and she was strongly committed to the children and families in her care, so much so that she refused to consider ever applying for promotions or other potentially better-paying jobs. In 2016, she walked the Inca Trail with Mark and raised nearly £4,000 for Acorns Children’s Hospice Trust in memory of one of the children, Ben who she was particularly close to.
 
Just last year, Ruth was out for lunch with Ben’s mum Helen, and she was recognised by another lady and her son who Ruth had supported. When asking for the bill at the end of the meal, Ruth discovered that the lady had kindly paid for their lunch leaving a note which read:
‘Ruth, thank you for all of our help over the years, without you we would have lost faith’. Another parent wrote: ‘I found out my daughter was deaf and I thought my world was crumbling around me. And then Ruth knocked on my door, put the kettle on and reassured me that everything would be fine. She was a fantastic teacher of the deaf and a fabulous friend.’
 
Ruth also formed strong and lasting friendships with many of her sensory team colleagues that continued into her retirement. The ‘’travel group’ or ‘girls abroad’ had many holidays both in the UK and Europe. Ruth particularly remembered horse riding in the Czech Republic. Her younger colleagues regarded her as their ‘work mummy’ and were devoted to her. The Whatsapp group they set up to keep in touch with her was lovingly entitled ‘Ruth’s bitches’!
 
When Rachael, Alex and George flew the nest, their relationships with Ruth remained strong. Ruth and Mark regularly travelled up and down the motorway to Manchester and Nottingham, where the kids attended university, and then to London and Surrey, where they now live. When apart, she could expect daily phone calls from them, as the relationships she had with them were by this point also relationships of real friendship, not just that of a mother and child. She was to her last day the first person any of them would call with good news, or in a time of crisis.
 
With Rachael, Alex and George now leading their own lives as adults, Ruth jumped at the opportunity to welcome new faces into the family. Oli, Lena and Roisin quickly formed close relationships with Ruth of their own. This new, larger, family loved spending time together, particularly on the famous Wilman Walking Weekends! The most recent of these took place only a week ago, though sadly without Ruth. The weddings of Rachael and Alex provided Ruth with immense joy and some wonderful memories.
 
To the friends of Rachael, Alex and George, Ruth was always somebody to talk openly to and confide in. She was a cool mum - no doubts about it. The time Alex and Ruth went to watch the Specials in Coventry typifies this. Alex and his friends ran to the front leaving Ruth with Coady’s mum Lynn, who she hadn’t known long. After the gig, Alex and Luke worried where their mum’s had got to. It was an hour after the agreed meet up time. All of a sudden Ruth and Lynn came dancing up the street singing. They has been refused entry to a casino and had been arguing with the bouncer.
 
Ruth had a zest for life which was unmatched. With her many Kenilworth-based friends, she threw herself into activities ranging from line dancing and gym classes such as step and Zumba to the ‘Haywire’ book club, which during lockdown turned their hand to writing poetry. In 2020 they published a collection of original poems, raising money for the Macmillan cancer trust. And then there werethe Uketeers with her bosom pals Pam, Ellen and Sue, she learnt to play the ukulele  and the band held regular practice sessions while also playing with ‘The Earls of Uke’ in nearby Earlsdon. Following Ruth’s death, the Earls of Uke played a selection of her favourite pieces in commemoration. Her friendship with Pam, Ellen and Sue had such a positive impact on her life and the times they spent together were filled with music and laughter right up until the end.
 
After her retirement, Ruth undertook the extensive training requirements for being an advisor at the Citizens Advice Bureau and worked as a volunteer advisor at LeamingtonCAB. Sadly Ruth’s time here was cut short as at the beginning of 2018 Ruth was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She faced the disease courageously and with positivity. 
 
Something which gave her great strength during this time was the arrival of her first grandson Leo and she wasn’t going to let her intensive chemotherapy treatment stop her from being at his birth, even on the hottest day of the year! For Leo’s first birthday party the family threw a festival themed party ‘Glastonbaby’ headlined by the Uketeers. A party which will be difficult for Leo to top.
 
In December 2019 Yasha was born. Again, while tired from chemo Nana rushed down to London to see Yashaon day One. Due to the chemo, Nana was without hair when both Leo and Yasha were born - “in solidarity with her grandsons” she used to say. When Alice shaved her head for the first time, Ruth created a video, shared on social media, in which she rocked a Mohawk, before shaving “FU cancer” into the back of her head. This typified who she was - somebody who wasn’t going to let chemo get her down or stand in her way. 
 
Ruth’s third grandchild Zachary was born in June 2020 amid a global pandemic. Ruth was particularly thrilled as this time both baby and Nana had hair! By far the cheekiest of the three grandchildren, Zac and Nana were able to form a really close bond in the short time that they spent together. Ruth was thrilled when Zac said ‘Na-Na’ asit was one of his first words, showing his love for her (and bananas!).
 
Nana maximised every single moment with her grandchildren, whether it was reading stories, playing picnics or singing to them with her ukulele. Nana’s rendition of ‘Baby Shark' will forever make her family smile and her wonderful legacy will live on in her children and grandchildren. 
 
It has been a bitter-sweet three years. Ruth saw three beautiful grandchildren born, but she had to accept that she would never see them grow up. Ruth took control of the last weeks of her life and lived every day (including her last) to the fullest. 
 
In her final week, she was able to spend quality time with Mark, her children and her closest friends. Having not seen each other in six weeks, Ruth was delighted to see her beloved brother Paul, who arrived on the Sunday afternoon before Ruth died at home early in the morning of Monday 6th September 2021.
 
Mark, Paul and George were with her and held her hand at the end.
 
 
Reflection Time
 
Let us take a few minutes for quiet reflection.
 
Music Love is Everything – K D Lang
 
Farewell to Ruth
 
The time has come for you to formally say farewell to Ruth, and in a minute the curtains will close.
 
At this time words say so little.
With appreciation for her life, we remember Ruth with love, she will remain in our hearts and we thank her for enriching the lives of us all.
 
In the words of Ruth’s close friend Liz: 
 
Thank you for all you’ve been and all you will continue to be. I will find you in all the beautiful things this world offers, the sunrises, sunsets, and all those moments that take our breath away. It goes without saying that I will miss you, but I will make every effort to be as strong as you were and make the very best of every day, whatever life throws at me. And I will be happy in the very fact that I have had the privilege to be part of your life.
 
(Curtains begin to close)
 
Ruth,
We rejoice that you lived;
We are glad that we saw your face and 
Took delight in your friendship.
We treasure that we walked life with you;
We treasure the memory of your words,
Your achievements, your character, your qualities.
With love, we leave you in peace 
With respect, we bid you farewell.
 
Closing words
 
The memory of Ruth is committed safely in the hearts of you who knew her best. 
 
When you leave here, talk about Ruth often; remember the good times, the funny tales; the adventures you shared with her, the conversations, her beliefs, the things she said, the experiences you had and that way she will always remain a part of your family or circle of friends. Ruth lived, loved, was loved and will continue to be loved.
Have a safe journey onwards. Regan Delf would like to leave you with some words Ruth wrote called ‘Memo to my younger self’, but perhaps it’s a message for us all to take away and one especially for her grandchildren.
 
Memo to my younger self 
 
Remember to be…
Proud not humble….
Sassy not coy
Confident not fearful
Resilient not vulnerable
Hopeful not despairing
But above all be mutinous and do your own thing!
Ruth Wilman
 
Exit Music Rebel, Rebel – David Bowie
 

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Kalhil Gibran